Stay strong.

It's not about staying strong and not indulging in food. Let's pretend we're beyond that. We are beyond that. It's about resistance. A small, silent protest; longing to be different, to be better, to be perfect. To reach for something to hold on to when life doesn't seem worth the effort anymore, and grasping onto the last little piece of dignity and self-worth available so hard that your knuckles turn white. Every day that you suppress your doubts and go out into the surprisingly small part of the world that notices your existence, or even just get out of bed, you are achieving something more than average people would ever understand. You're hurting, you're damaged, and still you put on your make up, your skinny jeans that are just about tight enough to remind you not to eat, and a huge baggy t-shirt to hide in, and already you've accomplished enough to be proud of. We all have our monsters, they eat us up and chew us to the bone, and every second of the day is about finding a balance between controlling ourselves and letting the monsters restrict our lives. We're not like the others, we are in pain, we are in so much pain that just existing requires the uttermost strength, and the fact that most of this strength is focused on making the outside look as fragile and delicate as the inside, is not only understandable, but obvious.  The only thing that really seems motivating is the feeling of empowerment when we can push ourselves further that other people, even if it's just in one aspect of life that we feel willing to do so... restriction, control. Because nothing else makes us special anymore. Nothing else makes life worth living anymore.
At the point where pain does not matter, because we're already so exposed to it that it makes us numb, the expression "no matter what" comes into a whole new context.

 I don't care what it takes. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.

It's the only thing I have to hold on to, to have to myself, that will never leave me.
It is not me who needs to stay strong enough to hold on.
It's it that helps me stay strong by constantly reminding me of it's presence, the way I drag myself through hell just to go through a day makes me believe that I am a better person.
Through it, I feel as strong as I need to be to even bother to go on, all the while it's actually within me, it's part of me.
It's the strength in me, the strength that gets me through anything and everything.

The phrase itself is not an encouragement to engage in any specific behavior regarding food or restriction. It's a recognition of what we go through, it's pride in what we deal with.

Stay strong.

Cinnamon Swirl Protein Bread Recipe

I used stevia in the batter and only cinnamon in the filling, and soy flour instead of oat flour.  

Cinnamon Swirl Protein Bread

Nutrition Facts:

Makes 16 squares
1 square = 55 calories, 1 g fat, 8 g carbs, 5 g protein

Ingredients:

• 1/3 cup Ideal (Xylitol)
• 2 tsp cinnamon
• 1 1/2 cups oat flour + 2 scoops vanilla whey protein
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 cup Ideal (Xylitol) or ¼ cup Stevia in the Raw
• 2 egg whites
• 1 cup unsweetened almond milk (Almond Breeze)
• 1/3 cup or 1 4oz jar of baby food applesauce and ¼ cup low sugar vanilla yogurt (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350. Spray an 8 X 8 inch Pyrex dish with non-stick spray.



2. In small bowl combine: (set aside)

• 1/3 cup Ideal (Xylitol)
• 2 tsp cinnamon

3. In a large bowl combine: (whisk together)

• 1 1/2 cups oat flour + 2 scoops vanilla whey protein
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 cup Ideal (Xylitol) or ¼ cup Stevia in the Raw

4. In a medium bowl combine: (whisk together & add to lrg bowl)

• 2 egg whites
• 1 cup unsweetened almond milk (Almond Breeze)
• 1/3 cup or 1 4oz jar of baby food applesauce and ¼ cup low sugar vanilla yogurt (optional)

5. Pour a shallow layer of batter into the loaf pan (about 1/4 of the batter).



6. Sprinkle heavily with half of the cinnamon/sugar mixture. Repeat with remaining batter & cinnamon/sugar on top.



7. Draw a knife through the batter to marble. Bake for 24 to 28 min. Let cool for 10 min. Bread will be dense.

Every day is one step closer

Going to have sushi in the city with a friend. After 4 healthy days I can finally be home alone for an hour without binging. So now I'm actually even a bit hungry! Even though I had a snack only 3-4 hours ago.

A 10 piece portion has 450-500kcal (Not that I could eat that much! Haha)

Underneath your clothes

One of the best motivations to get thin is... 

..having someone in your life..

...who regularly sees you naked 

For the look on his face... 

Nightmares

I'm dreaming about food almost every night now. I haven't done that since years back when I didn't eat for days at the time. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and want to throw up, and then feel my stomach churn and realize I had only dreamt about eating.
In my dream last night I dreamt about eating popcorn, and then I was supposed to go out for dinner and then I was going to have nachos with cheese sauce and guacamole and really kcal dense things.
I wouldn't say it was a panicked nightmare, but it reminded me how uncomfortable it is to be full and have to eat again. I mean, I'm hardly ever hungry when I sit down to eat, but at least I'm not full. I hate being full.

I want to walk on clouds

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Asking is against the rules. 

How many pounds till I'm happy? How many pounds til I'm thin? How many pounds til I'm happy? How many pounds til I win?

A day without workout is a day without purpose

I won't have time to work out today, because I had school for 10.5 hours and I have an assignment due tomorrow. It kills me.

It's easy. You don't have to do anything. Just do nothing

Here are three things to keep in mind to eating when you shouldn't: 

1. Food doesn't jump into your mouth. It's not going to attack you or come after you. It's just sitting there. It requires you to actively pick it up and put it in your mouth. It's a conscious decision you make. 

2. Eating is a habit. You only want to snack because you're used to it.

3. Don't compensate if you slip up! Maybe you had a cookie too much (in fact, every cookie is a cookie too much), don't restrict more the next day if your diet is already restrictive! It'll turn into a circle effect and a race against yourself. 

<-although this girl is skinny fat. 

                                                                   You can see bones and a bulge on her                                  stomach... It looks like she starved herself. Not sexy. 

My principles

Tuna-tomato sauce

Tuna tomato sauce, 2 servings

1 packet (500g) of crushed tomatoes
1 jar of tuna in water
50g low fat cooking yoghurt or quark
1 bullion die
optional spices, such as parsley, basil, oregano.

Put it all in a pot and cook it on medium heat until it's warm. The whole recipe is 360 kcal, so 180 per portion.
If you eat it with a serving (60g uncooked, which is about 1dl) of whole meal rice of unprocessed wheat, the entire meal is about 400 kcal and contains slow carbs, healthy fat, and vegetables.

Eat to live, don't live to eat.

It's the ream of every bulimic: to be anorexic. 

That's not my goal though. 

I don't go days eating nothing. 

In fact, I never skip a meal, I eat every 3 hours. 

Control, Control, Control, 6 times per day. 

Never less than 1200 kcal.

And my body learns it will get fed.

Supplements I take are omega 3 tables 3 times per day, a vitamin tablet and a shot of apple cider vinegar in the morning. 

I aim to be a good example. 

You get fit at the gym. You lose weight in the kitchen.

I mean nothing without you

My interest is fading. Such a suitable pun.