Making an ass of myself at the gym

At some point of our lives, most of us have been forced to prioritize something other than training, in my case it was finals. The only problem is that finals were 2-3 months ago, and I haven´t returned to the gym until today. Embarassing!

Well, at least I´m back at it now: I signed a year long membership at a gym chain, meaning that I can work out at any of their gyms in the city I live. I´m moving out officially next week, or maybe the week after that, so I think that will help me focus on my goals more in terms of diet. Believe it or not, there comes a point when my family gets bored with me for only cooking chicken and brown rice.

Either way, I was going to tell you how I embarassed myself at my new gym today. I thought telling people who might relate would help me get over it. and maybe encourage newbies who are usually really intimidated by people like me at the gym to loosen up, because everyone fucks up once in a while.

So basically, I went to squat. and I couldn´t see a free sqat rack, so I thought: "Okay, no biggie, I don´t sqat that much weight, I´ll just lift it up." So I grabbed a barbell with a reasonable weight and went to lift it up onto my shoulders... and I couldn´t. Two months ago it wouldn´t have been a prooblem, but I´d lost more strenth that I´d anticipated and completely overestimated myself. I tried laughing it off, but I died on the inside.

At least after that the amount of jealous glares I got from other women there significantly reduced. Not that I understand why beautifully muscular women would be jealous of my asparagus-shaped body composition anyways.

Hope you´re all well and haven´t forgotten about me after my months of not blogging. (I honestly don´t know who I´m directing that to, because I doubt I have any regular readers at all at this point). 

me when I'm off school

fitspo

don't stop...

Losing fat but staying the same weight

Yes, this is very possible. I've been at the same weight for about half a year now, but I can see clear changes in my body. I hardly have any fat left to grab except in the typical problem areas: lower abs, upper thighs and the back of my arms, but even there it's not much and it's clear that I've lost a lot of fat.  I'm actually in the upper range of a healthy weight. I assume that it's muscle that makes me maintain my weight, because I'm significantly more muscular now that I was a year ago, when I weighed about 3 kg more than now.
My point is that you shouldn't get too hooked on a number. If you have to be xx kg by a certain date, and you're not, its really demotivating. I recommend that you set goals in terms of effort, and don't set a specific deadline. For example: I want to be able to run 10km, I want to be able to do pushups on my feet, etc. Some people aren't motivated if they don't have a deadline, but to me, it just makes me panic a little and obsess over making it on time, which isn't the point.

Fitness nutrition: mentality

To find motivation, I read a lot of fitness tips and blogs, and I keep coming across this mentality that you need to "burn off" what you eat, especially in terms of weight loss. 

I find this idea very negative and for me it only discourages me. It makes me feel like I can just eat nothing and not train and it will equal eating and training, from a weight loss perspective. 

I like to see nutrition and training as two parallels. 

->Eating healthy to supply my body with everything it needs, keeping the intake of toxins and chemicals as low as possible and not consuming too much sugar. The sugar thing will help losing weight but to me it's more important that reducing sugar makes me feel much more energetic and less sluggish, the same goes for fats but it's hard to find a source that contains bad fat but no toxins, so as long as I stick to the no chemicals principle that sorts itself out. Alcohol counts into the toxin category. 

->Training makes me feel invincible. Weight training shapes my body and makes me look more toned and feminine: well trained glutes(bum) and pecs(chest) will actually make women look more curvy, although women with some body types need to pay attention not to do too much specific core work as this might lead to a winder waist; just activating the core during other exercises will be enough. Cardio just makes everyday life easier, walking up stairs or running to the bus becomes a breeze, and its good for the heart. Short-term, it encourages a healthy appetite and hunger, as in, you get hungry for real food and not for cupcakes and ice cream, and it also makes it easier to sleep. 

The idea that you're working out so that you can eat, or that you have to work out a lot if you eat much, will just send you running in circles and you'll tire of exercising, which should and could be the highlight of your day. 

With training comes motivation

Somehow, spending an hour at the gym makes my day. It inspires me to eat healthy and makes me feel like I can manage anything. It really is worth pushing yourself to get to the gym because it pays off once you start working out, it really improves your day! The hard part is remembering that during that moment of demotivation before you get going...

anxiety sometimes

Sometimes I can get really anxious about eating something half-healthy because I didn't feel like eating anything else. When I say that I didn't feel like it, I mean that if I hadn't eaten the pasta or whatever I hadn't eaten anything. I just had some pasta, some mashed potatoes, some dried fruit and nuts. And then my mom comes home with fresh fish when I've already eaten.
I can't wait to live alone.
Now I'm just anxious about not having much protein today, having had too much mashed potatoes, and going to the gym again.

Some before-after

Nightmares about food

Whenever I'm doing well and eating controlled portions of healthy food, just as I'm getting used to it, I almost always have dreams about eating.
The first time I had one I dreamt about eating chips, which was very forbidden to me then, and I woke up in the middle of the night wanting to go and throw up because I still thought I'd eaten them.
Last night I dreamt that I ate almost a whole jar of ginger tins, which would be like over 1 000 kcal, and I was conflicted whether to throw it up or try to compensate by working out.
Once I woke up this morning, I was relieved, but also happy that I don't binge a lot anymore. I really hate it when I want it gone and throwing up doesn't truly make it better for me because I almost never feel "clean" afterwards, like some people do after they purge.
I just hope that I never eat that amount of cookies in real life.

Anti-ED?

Exams are over now so I'm gonna get back to being 100% designated to clean eating and fitness.

I came across the term "anti-ed" and I found it funny because the page I read it on was full of the pictures like the ones above. 

The first thing that hit me was that "anti-ed" was such a strong expression, almost like when someone tells me they're an atheist. It's perfectly fine to me if someone is, it just feels like they're rejecting something which makes up a large part of a lot of other people's lives. Does that make sense? 

I would't say that I'm anti-ed. My ed doesn't dominate my life now but it's there, lingering. Fighting it every day makes me a stronger person. Like Elliot Hulse said in one of his youtube videos, it's not what you have that defines your character, but what you had to go through to get there, that's what shapes you as a person. My ED is an established part of me and constantly overcoming it makes me proud of my strength, even if I slip sometimes. 

I feel bad

Whenever I eat sweets, I feel bad. I feel like a miserable failure and like I have no purpose in life, I might as well just die. And yet, I eat things I'm not "supposed" to eat almost every day. I never learn! I just cling on to how I "enjoy" these foods because I'm somehow supposed to, like I know that I enjoy them even though I don't feel it. I try to keep in mind that it's a lifestyle, not a diet, and today is my birthday and it's okay to have ice cream. I just feel like it's hard not to think in black and white, to know when to allow myself to have something and not to obsess over my eating. Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I feel like a potato.

Im still here

wednesdays workout was really hard!
I could hardly walk on the friday, so i skipped that workout.
Went powerwalking yesterday for an hour/hour and a half.
today is monday and back to the gym :)

Heading to the gym soon

Training and food today

Todays food (I didn't measure and I might have left something out):

Breakfast at 06:30:
Oatmeal porridge with low-fat milk, half an apple and 1/3 banana.
Snack at 10:15:
Portion packet of Dar Vida crackers
Lunch at 13:30:
50g (uncooked) bean noodles and 1/2 tin kidney beans
Dinner at 17:30:
Oatmeal porridge, quark, 1/2 apple and 1/2 banana
Post workout:
Protein shake mixed with low fat milk

Todays Workout:
1 hour spin class, like 45 minutes intense cycling with intervals.
1 hour body pump, overall strength training with barbells.

Today was a good day.

Progress pictures

Long time, no blogging... mainly because my laptop got stolen and I lost all my pictures, along with my motivation. But to compensate, here are some progress photos! :D

Sorry for poor quality, taken in a bathroom mirror with my phone. 

Still, if I may say so myself, I'm bringing sexy back ;) 

haha ^^

Commit!

You have to commit to training, like you would commit to a partner. If you cheat on your diet or training plan, it's like cheating in a relationship. That's a sin, you know ;)


Here's a picture of my new shoes, as promised:

A day without training is a day without purpose.
What do we search in life if not constant improvement? Don't stand in the way of your own goals.

By the way, I lost 1.7kg in the past month.

My energy

"Show the barbell that you mean business!"


I like that I'm putting my energy into something good.
Yesterday I did my first 2 hour workout in weeks, in months even.
I bought new shoes today! I'm gonna post a picture when I can be bothered to take one.
Considering doing some video exercise now 'cos I have another 2 hours and I'm bored.

And when you touch me

So the boyfriend is gone and I'll see him maybe 3 times over the next 6 months. We're moving in together in September, and by then I'm gonna be so fking sexy.

My daily dose of sexy

Since I'm in a relationship nowadays, and my boyfriend and I live far apart, the only time I'm around sweaty, muscly men is at the gym... I don't even try not to stare...

Motivating ;)

Got sick

Got sick and couldn't train for a week, but I'm heading back to the gym tomorrow.

day 10

Today is day 10 and I'm feeling and looking great. Well, feeling physically great. Let's not talk about my mental state. TG I have the gym to escape to.

Here's to us

Soft!

Everything is better about my body now that I eat right and work out! After 8 days of avoiding unhealthy foods and exercising for an hour (not as much as it sounds!) at least every other day my skin is SO SOFT! It's usually soft but now it's crazy soft.

Yup, that's me. 

Mindset of a Machine

Went to zumba today!

Went to zumba today, felt like I needed to get some cardio in. Damn, I'm in horrible shape, endurance-wise, but I gotta say, I look sexy as fuck! My arm muscles are coming along great.

One... two... three... four

I do no longer aim to be perfect. There's nothing desirable about perfection. I now look at those photoshopped models with a space between their legs and laugh at the mere thought of some foolish boy falling in love with the idea of such a woman, because that's all she is: an idea. Perfection is a manufactured idea, and believe it or not, no one truly appreciates perfection. Not because it's unattainable, and because perfection as such would constantly be questioned as it is said to be, in deed, impossible to attain, but because there really is nothing about it that makes it stand out. Perfection is humanity with everything lovable removed. It's the very thing that catches your eye the first time you see a person, that stupid habit or random tick or awkward giggle someone does that you just can not get out of your head, that's what stands between them and the ideal, and without it you would not have looked at them twice. Perfection is, and has always been, a fragile porcelain doll to me, only now I've realized that something cold and hard is not something that anyone could love, and most importantly, not something I could love about myself, if I ever found that I'd gotten there. I know now that my disordered view of a perfect surface, even if it were within my reach, is not lovable. I want to be warm, I want to spread warmth, I want to leave a lasting impression and make someones day. I want to be the best me that I can be, the strongest, the smartest, the proudest. But I never want to be perfect.

Results already

It's crazy how fast working out and eating clean provides results!
I woke up this morning and even though my head was tired as fuck, my body felt great! And today at the gym I could see some muscles moving underneath my skin which I didn't think I even had!

tired!

Though I'm not set on doing cardio, I tried to run for a bit to wake up a bit. It was too cold though, and I totally overestimated my endurance.

I actually get out of breath lifting weights, since I don't rest too much between sets, so that'll up my endurance a bit before I start doing intense cardio again.

This is SEXUAL

Abs <3

Legs! OMG that ass!

shoooulderrs

Early tomorrow

Planning to get up at 7 tomorrow and going to the gym when they open.

Back on track

Day one of 4 week phase one: little or no cardio and focus on weights.
I'm going to do at least 3 times per week of a routine that works all my major muscles, for four weeks.