anxiety sometimes

Sometimes I can get really anxious about eating something half-healthy because I didn't feel like eating anything else. When I say that I didn't feel like it, I mean that if I hadn't eaten the pasta or whatever I hadn't eaten anything. I just had some pasta, some mashed potatoes, some dried fruit and nuts. And then my mom comes home with fresh fish when I've already eaten.
I can't wait to live alone.
Now I'm just anxious about not having much protein today, having had too much mashed potatoes, and going to the gym again.

Some before-after

Nightmares about food

Whenever I'm doing well and eating controlled portions of healthy food, just as I'm getting used to it, I almost always have dreams about eating.
The first time I had one I dreamt about eating chips, which was very forbidden to me then, and I woke up in the middle of the night wanting to go and throw up because I still thought I'd eaten them.
Last night I dreamt that I ate almost a whole jar of ginger tins, which would be like over 1 000 kcal, and I was conflicted whether to throw it up or try to compensate by working out.
Once I woke up this morning, I was relieved, but also happy that I don't binge a lot anymore. I really hate it when I want it gone and throwing up doesn't truly make it better for me because I almost never feel "clean" afterwards, like some people do after they purge.
I just hope that I never eat that amount of cookies in real life.

Anti-ED?

Exams are over now so I'm gonna get back to being 100% designated to clean eating and fitness.

I came across the term "anti-ed" and I found it funny because the page I read it on was full of the pictures like the ones above. 

The first thing that hit me was that "anti-ed" was such a strong expression, almost like when someone tells me they're an atheist. It's perfectly fine to me if someone is, it just feels like they're rejecting something which makes up a large part of a lot of other people's lives. Does that make sense? 

I would't say that I'm anti-ed. My ed doesn't dominate my life now but it's there, lingering. Fighting it every day makes me a stronger person. Like Elliot Hulse said in one of his youtube videos, it's not what you have that defines your character, but what you had to go through to get there, that's what shapes you as a person. My ED is an established part of me and constantly overcoming it makes me proud of my strength, even if I slip sometimes. 

I feel bad

Whenever I eat sweets, I feel bad. I feel like a miserable failure and like I have no purpose in life, I might as well just die. And yet, I eat things I'm not "supposed" to eat almost every day. I never learn! I just cling on to how I "enjoy" these foods because I'm somehow supposed to, like I know that I enjoy them even though I don't feel it. I try to keep in mind that it's a lifestyle, not a diet, and today is my birthday and it's okay to have ice cream. I just feel like it's hard not to think in black and white, to know when to allow myself to have something and not to obsess over my eating. Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I feel like a potato.

Im still here

wednesdays workout was really hard!
I could hardly walk on the friday, so i skipped that workout.
Went powerwalking yesterday for an hour/hour and a half.
today is monday and back to the gym :)

Heading to the gym soon